Never Mind Nuclear Explosions… What to do with Emotional Explosions?

What do you do when you feel this coming on?

If you have not heard, last Monday a JetBlue flight attendant named Steven Slater approached a passenger who stood up to get her luggage from an overhead compartment before the crew had given permission for passengers of the flight to leave their seats in the cabin of the aircraft. The passenger defied the flight attendants order to remain in her seat and, to add injury to insult, her luggage smacked Steven square in the middle of his forehead. Slater demanded an apology from the passenger. She refused.

Slater, at this point went nuclear and reacted with a profanity- laced attack on the passenger over the public address system before saying adios to the airline, grabbing two beers and escaping the whole situation via the aircraft’s emergency door chute. He was later arrested at home and charged with reckless endangerment and criminal mischief.

Now out on bail, with his story having gone viral, Slater has become a national folk hero, an avatar for the world of stressed out workers who are “mad as hell” at the erosion of common civility in our post- industrialized societies.  There appears to be a very empathetic recognition and an appreciation that the surfacing of conflict in confined situations like an aircraft fuselage is the result of the long- term drive for profit and productivity by business in plus the decline in civility in general because of the anxiety provoking focus on economics and security.

This particular airline story illustrates the tension and emotional energy that builds up inside people over long periods of time much like a summer thunderstorm builds over a hot summer day to explode into a energy releasing storm which reeks havoc on people and property in one destructive burst.   The explosion in emotional energy makes the headlines when it causes direct physical harm to its victims but the continued emotional battering of employees as well as customers is most often not reported, taking its silent toll on civil behavior in offices, communities and families in most developed economies.

The big questions here are:  1) How do we learn to manage our emotions with intelligence and civility in a larger context which mitigates against courtesy and politeness?; 2)  how do we create work places and work cultures where trust and respect provide the context for  convivial behavior?  And 3) How to we manage inevitable  conflict long before the explosion happens?

Love to hear your stories about your reactions to the ”straw that broke the camels back”. Did you explode? Manage the energy in a constructive way?  Bail out?  What was the result?  Post your comments here.

Do not forget to join us in conversation during our webinar on Managing Difficult People scheduled for September 2nd and 15th at 9:00 am

Remember- Your first webinar with PULSE is Free!

To register for this  hugely engaging event register with PULSE at:

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How to Survive Difficult People? Here are Some Strategies. Part 3 of a Series on How to Manage Difficult People.

No need for nerves of steel. You can handle these assassins of the soul!

Some recommendations from our Most Dreadful experiences

First,  a Caution

One of the first questions that should pop into your mind when you encounter a difficult person is; “Is it them or is it me?”  Given the context of any particular situation it may be that you are triggering a strong reactionary behavior in another person.  Because our behavior is the result of values, principles and rules that are transparent to us, we often do not see the impact of our own behavior on others. Even the most difficult kinds of people operate according to a logic which makes sense to them despite the misery the logic may create for others. In fact if you find yourself surrounded by many difficult people, you may want solicit some feedback about your own behavior.

Four  Effective Strategies for Managing Difficult People:

Strategy 1: Reframe

• Change how you view the situation. Stop being the victim. Do not take the blame.
• Set your expectations low on their behavior.
• Fortify your belief that you can handle this situation.
• Practice emotional detachment. De-link your sense of self worth from their  judgment.
• The reptilian reactions of anger, fear or anxiety are not helpful when dealing with difficult people.
• Try not to react to the problem behavior in the same way it was expressed. This tends to heighten the problem behavior rather than diminish it. “More of the same” rarely works.
• If they are aggressive, angry or emotional, give them time to let off steam then professionally deal with each issue – de-escalate the situation when you can..

Strategy 2: Go for the “small wins”

• Gain control over whatever small things you can, particularly your response to bad behavior
• Small wins are more attainable than big ones. being in control of something builds hope and confidence
• Limit your exposure by meeting them as little as possible, control time spent with these assassins of the souls
• Use technology to avoid the face to face meetings
• Pick your battles: when the door is even slightly open find ways to educate your nemesis.
• Pick your battles 2: More risky, but confronting can work at the right place and time.
• Find a coach and practice your responses.

Strategy 3: Find islands of “safety, support and sanity”

• Set up a “safe” place where you can literally hide out from your tormentor
• Find good people who you an trust and talk with, who may serve as sounding boards and coaches
• Find a space to be quiet and centre yourself

Strategy 4: Eject

• Consistently do a cost/benefit analysis on the cost of staying in place to you, your family and your career.
• Seek alternatives to the situation you are in, within the organization or outside.
• Walk away from the situation when the pain outweighs the benefits.

From your experiences with horrific homonids, we invite you to reply below to share your stories and practical advice  on how to handle difficult people successfully.

Do not forget to join us in conversation during our webinar on Managing Difficult People scheduled for September 2nd and 15th at 9:00 am

Remember- Your first webinar with PULSE is Free!

To register for this  hugely engaging event register with PULSE at:

http://pulseinstitute.com/Registrations/tabid/121/ctl/Details/Mid/676/ItemID/83/language/en-US/Default.aspx?ContainerSrc=[G]Containers/CAT01/TranspHeader_TranspBG_Border

Who Are the Rogues? Check out our Gallery. Part 2 of a Series on How to Manage Difficult People.

Does this guy look familiar to you?

Difficult people have come to be categorized in many different ways, some more scientific than others. With a caution to unsupported accusation and stereotyping, it is useful to be able to identify various types of difficult people and to understand what makes them “tick” so you can anticipate and  effectively respond to their unsettling behavior.

To help you sort out who is who in the world of obstreperous people we have organized these clamorous characters into a “rogue’s gallery” of difficult people. The gallery consists of three rooms, each room containing three specific types of the chronically nasty, demanding and the plain annoying persons who can drive you crazy.

The first room in our gallery contains the DOMINATORS; people whose energy takes over the space you share and effectively swamps or stamps out any contribution you may have to the conversation or activities with which you are engaged.

In this room we find :

The Aggressor, who through bombast, criticism and threats creates the uncertainty and shock in you in order to gain control and power.

The Grandstander who dominates by showing off, grabbing attention to the point where you are  totally de-motivated and shrink into the background while he or she aims to garner the respect and admiration of  the boss and your colleagues.

The Polyanna who remains blindly optimistic, scattered, and compulsive, creating the frustration and anxiety that allows them to remain “flexible”, opportunistic and “positive”.

The second room in our Gallery contains the DUTIFULS, those ever-vigilant people who use their energy to crowd the space you share with do’s and especially don’ts that effectively squishes initiative while provoking that “over-my-shoulder” anxiety.

In this room we will find:

The Micro-manager who manages you and the rules to the minutest of detail trapping and ensnaring you in a net of control to ensure that they gain approval from their superiors and maintain the order that they covet.

The Sacrificer who manipulates your latent guilt by smothering you with obligations-  obligations that are owed for favors done whether those favors were requested or not. Sacrificers will do almost anything to gain the appreciation, inclusion and affection they crave.

The Nay-sayers, who can totally de-motivate and frustrate those with who they associate by their constant litany of excuses and stalls as well as their entirely pessimistic  view of any decision that might progress the work that is to be done.  They want the world wrapped in cotton where safety and certainty are absolutely assured.

In the third and final room of our gallery we find the ABSENTEES, the people whose energy remains trapped in their interior and which manifests itself as only a distorted, indirect expression of what is going on inside their minds.

In this room we find:

The Wimp who says “yes” to everything, who tolerates anything to the point of avoiding any kind of confrontation, generating the frustration, anger and depression that results when someone is obsessed with harmony at any cost.

The Manipulator who has a thousand creative ways to deceive, fools and mislead you into getting their way while raising your complete distrust and suspicion. Manipulators seek to be different, to gain your empathy, but most often what they gain is your thirst for revenge.

The Know-it-all who makes you feel ignorant and stupid with their arrogant behavior as well as inferior for your lack of knowledge or information.  The Know-it-all hoards and purposely leak information to underline their superior competence at gathering and analyzing data.

So there you have our take on the archetypes of Difficult People.

Invitation

Do you have some ‘rogues” to add to our gallery? More intriguing, when you are being a difficult person which archetype fits your behavior? Over the years we have had some interesting types added to our ever expanding gallery including:  ‘silent screw-ups’,’ killjoys’ and ‘the grenade’.

Coming up next. Part 3 of our series on Difficult People discusses ways to manage these chronically cantankerous characters.

What is it About A**holes?

Part 1 of a Series on How to Manage Difficult People.

She sacrifices for you... and you know it!

They may be among your bosses, your colleagues, your subordinates or customers, however it seems that no matter how skilled and experienced we become at interpersonal communication we will eventually run into the challenge of people who Arthur Bell and Dayle Smith call the SOP’s- “Sources of Pain” or who Robert Sutton more plainly calls “assholes”.

These are the chronically difficult people whose behavior consistently has a negative impact on the individuals and groups with whom we live and work.

How do you identify an A**hole?

Dr. Sutton, author of “The No Asshole Rule”, distinguishes between “temporary” assholes, i.e. people under pressure who may be having a bad day, and those assholes who would consistently pass the two tests of what he calls the “certified” assholes:

Test #1: After contact with the “alleged asshole”, victims can feel, demeaned, oppressed, drained of energy and generally bad about themselves.

Test #2: The “alleged” asshole hits on people with less power rather than people with more power than himself.

They Do Damage

Recent research shows that chronically difficult persons can do extensive psychological and emotional damage not only to their direct victims but also to the witnesses of their destructive behavior.

Difficult people do not necessarily attack our self-worth in big acts such as public humiliations but through myriads of small denigrating and disempowering acts everyday. The cumulative impact on mental health of the victims, their colleagues and families is mostly underestimated.

They Are Costly

The organizational impact of the negative interactions created by encounters with difficult people goes beyond individuals to impact performance at all levels, from teams to whole enterprises. These small negative interactions can have ripple effects that are 5 times stronger than positive interactions.

Ultimately a toll for fear and negativity is extracted in decreased individual performance, increasing turnover rates, and absenteeism, as well as in general organizational performance as a result of the dissipated energy expended in managing difficult people.

The Bottom Line

What is the “Total Cost of Assholes” to organizations?

While it is hard to calculate accurate and detailed cost for managing the impact of difficult people, the time spent by managers, HR professionals, senior executives, and outside consultants to manage the effects of the negative interactions can give us some idea of the true cost of tolerating the behavior of difficult people.

A silicon valley company calculated the cost of managing one difficult “star” salesman at US $160,000 per annum

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series on Managing Difficult People where you might recognize your favorite nemesis in our  “Rogues Gallery”  descriptions of specific types of difficult people.

Also join Dr. Nancy Love and me for our live online webcasts on this topic on September 2^nd and 15^th.

To register  for the webcast visit the Pulse Institute Website at www.pulseinstitute.com

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World Cup Lessons #3: Cool Spain Out-masters the Masters

"Oranje" gets aggressive with Spain- from The Guardian/C Racine/Action Images

I found the 2010 World Cup final played yesterday between the Netherlands and Spain deeply disappointing to watch. Hyped as a classic between two teams who were supposedly committed to the free flowing “Total Football” style created by the Dutch in the 1970’s , the game promised lots of star performances on the part of individuals and teams as well as tick-tac-toe passing between the players . Even if the game was not high scoring, one could reasonably expect to great  attacking, goal tending and immaculate defense.

As it turned out, the game was a chippy, halting, rough and grinding affair that had the football announcers begging for a goal to break a 0-0 tie and finish the ugliest of contests before the end of extra time. The final was filled with a record number of yellow cards, the majority going to the Dutch who obviously had decided to make up with aggression what they may have lacked in defensive coordination and style. This decision cost them a player, and eventually the world cup.

The Story

Going into the World Cup final neither Spain nor Holland had hoisted the trophy since the tournament’s inception in 1930. The Dutch had been to the final twice before and the Spanish had never got past the quarter-finals.

Over the past four decades many successful Dutch soccer stars, managers, coaches, and trainers had come to Spain to transfer, with great impact, their philosophy of the game and how it should be played on the field. This was especially true of the Spanish club Barcelona who fielded the most players on the Spanish National Team.. The Dutch knew they would have to unsettle the possession game of the Spanish team, especially their  “Barca” experienced mid-field, if they were to become world champions themselves.

To achieve this goal the Netherlands played a very combative physical style of football that was too much for the referee. As the yellow cards flowed to the Dutch players their tempers began to fray and ironically many of those players, who a few games ago had effectively pushed the Brazilians to lose their cool and their game, now were screaming in anger at a referee who was just managing to keep the game under control. Eventually in extra time the Dutch were penalized again with a man sent off and the team reduced to ten men. The Spanish took advantage of the new space for the win.

The ultimate irony of course is that the Dutch , being from northern Europe are stereotypically thought of as being “cool” and the Spanish from southern Europe are typically thought of as the highly emotional ones.  In the final game of the 2010 World Cup, the focused passion of the Spanish edged out the wild emotions reflected in the behavior of the Dutch players and the Netherlands coach was forced to admit he had been beaten by a better team.

The Learning

Lesson 1- Learn from your competitors: Do not allow pride or fear of disadvantage deter you from learning from the best of your competitors. Much like the Spanish team that adapted Dutch strategy and tactics to focus the passion they have for the game, you can blend your competitors’ best practices with yours to gain advantage in your business.

Lesson 2 – Use your competitor’s resources: Leading Spanish soccer clubs used Dutch resources- coaches, managers and trainers, to build their preeminent position in world soccer. There is no reason in this day and age for you not use resources  from your competitors to gain market advantage.

Lesson 3: Think carefully about loosing the lions of aggression: Competition does seem to invite aggressive behavior. However combative and pugnacious behavior is a two-edged sword that can cut its owner as deeply as a competitor.   Take a lesson from the martial arts: without focus and discipline, aggressive  behavior becomes emotions running wild and without intelligent management emotions can derail the execution of even  the best  of strategies.

Lesson 4:  Development takes time: Development for individuals and organizations takes time. Do not expect to build a competitive team or organization in a  offsite weekend of engaging learning events. Development takes a long view. It does not necessarily take 4 decades as the case with Spain but you can expect months and years of learning before you hold the cup.

Storm Warning: Avoid the Millennial Hurricane

Is a millennial hurricane headng your way?

Not long ago, while I was consulting at a large communications company, a young manager mentioned to me that her heart sank when she saw a perspective employee waiting for a job interview who was obviously over 45 years of age. She knew in her heart, she said, that “he would not last here”. She meant that older workers would not likely survive the churn and turbulence the organization was experiencing as they attempted to begin a transition that was critical to the company’s future.

In my own mind I was thinking how ironic it was that the organization was filtering out the very people who could bring some much needed stability and experience to the initiatives the company was undertaking that were so critical to its success.

There has been a lot of focus in the media recently on the recruitment and retention of relatively young, energetic, and intelligent people from “the millennials”- the generation born in the 80’s and 90’s of the last century. This generation grew up with the personal computer and the internet. Being entirely comfortable with digital technology and its potentially innovative applications makes them prime targets for employment particularly in information technology and communications related businesses.

However being technically competent does not necessarily mean that professionals have the interpersonal skills required for the kind of collaboration required to facilitate project success. Nor do people younger in age necessarily have the maturity or experience to navigate the inevitable currents and wayward winds that appear on route to business results.

Without proper management, an organizational culture dominated by young recruits can result in a flowering of energy and blossoming creativity but it can also generate a storm of constant change which drains energy and focus from organization initiatives.

In the end many professionals, both younger and older, find that they cannot tolerate the daily buffeting created by the constant turbulence and they leave. The turnover in employees creates a vacuum that attracts people who not only tolerate the chaos, but who love the excitement, high energy, and the “adrenaline high” provided by the chaotic culture. The storm can build into a hurricane as the newer employees add more churn, contributing to a debilitating cycle that inevitably impacts long-term productivity as well as innovation.

To avoid the millennial hurricane consider the following approaches:

1. Recruit and select for an organizational “blend” of maturity, experience, and interpersonal competence as well as for youth, technical ability and creativity.
2. Establish a well-designed orientation program and continuing support for new employees adapting to your organization.
3. Develop a management approach that allows for expanding responsibility and accountability within a well-defined roles and levels of decision-making.
4. Build a culture around high density communication that includes social networking  within reasonable but specified limits.
5. Ensure continuing training, coaching and mentoring for individual career development.

World Cup Lessons #2: Team Germany Slaughters Argentina

Maradonna Laments

Interesting. Germany blows Argentina out of the water today in a World Cup quarter final that amply demonstrates how successful teams are built and managed to gain outstanding results. Yet writing a commentary in the Guardian a reader named “filbert” declares: “It might seem counter logical but I still feel Argentina are the better team. Seems to me that Germany have the better system and played with a formation for Argentina- exploiting their weak midfield and poor defense- and played with a game plan”.

Counter logical indeed! – “right out of it” might better describe filbert’s thinking about team work as he describes the very attributes that make a strong team so superior in  overwhelming  a group of competing super stars.

The Story

Argentina lost to Germany in the 2006 World Cup quarter-finals on penalty shots. Not meeting  the  high expectations  of the nation and its very talented players,  between  World Cups the Argentine Football Federation selected former super star Maradonna as new manager of the national team. Through the qualifying rounds the results of the Argentine team were as mercurial as Maradonna’s temperament and his team selection. The team squeaked through to World Cup qualification with a 2 -1 win over Peru. In the World Cup itself Argentina dominated some lesser teams to get to the quarter-finals.  Germany which had lost in its semi-final match in World Cup 2006,  revamped its whole selection system and hired a new manager – the methodical and systematic Joachim Low. The Germans stacked the team with zestful young talented players  balanced  and supported by  blend of  tested veterans.

The Learning

Lesson 1- Teams Win: Where teams are required, the odds are very high that well selected, well prepared teams with a plan will beat groups in gaining results most of the time, even if the groups are stacked with individual super performers.

Lesson 2 -Managing a high performing team means managing a whole system not just the players on the team. From scouting to recruitment and selection through training, managing and practice to discipline, strategy and tactical flexibility of the field, a team must be methodically built and developed over the long haul to win.

Lesson 3: Planning: Clear goals and a path to achieve them are a necessity in winning the competitive game. The strategic focus provided by a plan should be balanced  with the tactical flexibility by individuals and team to meet unexpected situations on the field.

Lesson 4: Match Managers to Team Needs: While the emotional state of a manager can motivate and even inspire teams, emotions represent energy that can just as easily create  the chaos and conflict that undermine success. It might be argued that  Argentinian players already play with considerable passion and that the last thing they need is a manager who is even more emotional than the players. A manager who could have managed his emotions intelligently, who could be more methodical and systematic in his approach, might have served Argentina  better in World Cup 2010.

Mel’s Invitation to Talk About Leading and Managing

Welcome to Conversations for Change, my  blog where I will share my thinking and experience related to Leadership and Management. This is the place where I warmly invite you to join  in conversations about specific, wide ranging topics that will provide you and I with insights, new ideas, and practical advice which can be applied at home and in our communities as well as in our work.

I hope to create blogs specifically for this site at least once a week.  However when ideas and experiences catch me up, you may find that I have posted numerous times within a week.  In some cases I may simply link you to an article or essay of interest. At other times I may share passionately felt opinions I have posted elsewhere.

Please do not hesitate to engage in this blog by responding in conversation with comments, questions and even debate when the topic moves you.

Mel Blitzer

France’s World Cup Collapse has Lessons for Business Managers

Soccer being a dynamic, highly contextual game brings insightful lessons for managing teams in the world of business. This is especially true during World Cup where expectations and pressure for high performance weigh heavily on managers and national teams as they compete for the title of World Champion. The results of these pressures are reflected in the tension, the triumphs, the trials and very real problems that emerge in the headlines of newspapers around the globe. Many of those headlines recently focused on the complete collapse of the French National Team. In this story there are lessons for managers of business organizations.

The Story

Chemistry is important!

Although Manager Raymond Domenech led the French team to the finals of the World Cup in 2006, by 2008 it was evident that the chemistry between him and the players was problematic. The manager’s time was over and the French crashed dismally out of the European Championship. Despite the poor performance, the governing French Football Federation kept Domenech and at the World Cup this year the team imploded in open rebellion against the manager. After barely making it into the World Cup, a totally lackluster performance on the field in South Africa resulted in the French team’s failure to advance to the second round– a devastating blow to the pride of a soccer -proud nation.

The Learning

Lesson 1- Succession: Plan carefully for leadership succession when the results are good and continually assess whether the current leadership is appropriate for sustained performance.

Lesson 2 -Managing a high performing team: Molding and managing a team of high performing individuals takes a deft hand, balancing control against individual and team initiative. For control, the manager or team leader must develop a well- defined framework that delineates specific expectations around team performance, behavior, and accountability. For initiative leave lots of room for team members to creatively contribute their collective strengths to achieve team results.

Lesson 3: Recruiting: When selecting team members, managers should consider character and fit as well as technical expertise. Team members with big egos and an inability to collaborate effectively with others can destroy team performance with their negative attitudes and covert disloyalty. It also does us well to remember that high-performing teams require a mix of steady competent contributors as well as “stars” who are willing to sublimate individual needs and desires for team results.

Lesson 4: Governance: While Boards of Directors should not be micro-managing the everyday business of an organization, they are obliged to maintain a current awareness of executive leadership and it’s impact on organization results. When there is a concern about results and it relates to leadership, Boards must quickly make the appropriate decisions for corrective action on behalf of the business as well as shareholders.